Monday, January 25

Bittersweet Homecoming

We survived. A whole week apart, and I think we faired pretty well. I kept busy enough to not dwell too much on what I was missing and Bear enjoyed her time with Daddy.

Since school cancelled on Wednesday due to weather, they got 3 full days at home together and, from what I hear, they had lots of fun. I could tell when I got home that they seemed more connected. I was surprised how easily N just let things go back to normal -- I had envisioned her being very clingy and perhaps regress a little in her confidence of me always returning, but after the initial excitement of seeing me it was just as if I had never left.

Well, mostly. I think my trip may have been the final straw for our nursing journey. I chose not to bring my pump on my trip (which was a terrible idea BTW -- boy was I in pain!) mostly because I thought it would be a hassle but also because thought I had reached a point where I would be OK with weaning if N started showing signs of being ready. Part of me wanted to make it to age 2, but physically I had become really burnt out and I was constantly reminding myself that we should only continue if both of us were still happy with the arrangment.

That's what I thought. But now that I've returned and she has only asked to nurse a couple of times, and both for very short periods, I'm feeling immense guilt over it. I feel like I pushed her into it instead of waiting until she was ready, and I'm doubting that I was really as ready as I thought. At least I didn't want it to end like this -- I always thought we'd talk about it first and plan a final goodbye and ultimately agree on the decision together. Of course I know 16 months is a long time and that if she truely is weaning it doesn't diminish the huge accomplisment we made, but it doesn't keep me from mourning the end of this part of our relationship.

I'm truely torn between hoping she'll still change her mind and appreciating that this was such an easy transition for her; however, despite my own hesitations I'm going to let her make this decision for us. If it is the end, we had a great run and I can only hope that the bond we created will continue to grow. In the meantime, I'm going to soak up the hugs and smother her with kisses, and try to make up for some lost time. Don't be surpirsed if I don't post much this week -- I'll get back to blogging as usual in a week or so.

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